To Play, to Say, O.K.

To sleep.
To dream.
To play.
To say,
O.K.

This is what I want to do for now.
Not so much a resolution.
Radical self-revolution?
Improve my physical and mental constitution?
Detox of mental pollution?

Cuddles and hot cocoa sound like the best resolution right now.

For the past several years, I've looked back and done "reverse resolutions," where I review my accomplishments for the year and write them as if they were what I planned to do. It can feel great. This year, I feel like . . . 'well, I made it through.' I can't seem to pinpoint accomplishments. Not that they didn't happen, it's just that is not the way my memory is processing or wants to process right now. I can say that I feel love, and loved. This is good.

In my youth (ha! I'm still in my youth!!!) I loved goal setting. New Year's was one of my favorite times, and I was driven and pragmatic in my goal setting. I currently feel fragmented and futile in any kind of planning.

It's this season of life. Where priority number one SHOULD be cuddles, when I notice that the Buddah Belly on my 3.5 yr. old is almost entirely gone and my five year old vacillates between not wanting any cuddles and waking me up mid-sleep throwing a fit because he didn't get any good-night cuddles.

Will life ever slow down? As we pursue financial security are we pursuing our dreams or our happiness? No, not really. But we do pursue our happiness and dreams as we decide to let the dishes pile up and instead sit down for a family game or start a pillow fight. Or when we go to sleep without hanging up the clean clothes, instead allowing them to pile and mix with the slightly worn clothes. A wrinkle vs. a snore. Who can judge the value?

Am I happy? Is it lack of sleep, lack of medication, or trepidation about what I know 2012 has in store that is holding me back from jubilant reverse resolutions and clearly defined goals? As I find personal fulfillment, I find familial guilt. Should the word of the year be balance?

If I can look at the mess and say O.K., or say O.K. when I resign myself to actually wash the dishes, or O.K. to denying one responsibility to fulfill another, to say O.K. to staying home from a meeting to simply be there with my children, to say O.K. to the things and people I will have to say goodbye to this year, to say O.K. to letting myself feel guilt-free self-fulfillment. Say O.K. to the fact that I cannot do it all, all the time, and be all that I want to be. There is a time. And a season. There are songs that will be sung without my voice in the choir. Art will be made, actions planned, community built, and peanut butter and jam sandwiches constructed without me. I will do some things. I will let go of what I don't do. I will prioritize happiness.

I can also say O.K. to making my posts consistently WAY longer than I intend. Few people will read more than a few words. Oh well. :)