My Valentine

I've been trying and failing all week to think of something to express how much I love this guy:


Some things are too good for words.

To Play, to Say, O.K.

To sleep.
To dream.
To play.
To say,
O.K.

This is what I want to do for now.
Not so much a resolution.
Radical self-revolution?
Improve my physical and mental constitution?
Detox of mental pollution?

Cuddles and hot cocoa sound like the best resolution right now.

For the past several years, I've looked back and done "reverse resolutions," where I review my accomplishments for the year and write them as if they were what I planned to do. It can feel great. This year, I feel like . . . 'well, I made it through.' I can't seem to pinpoint accomplishments. Not that they didn't happen, it's just that is not the way my memory is processing or wants to process right now. I can say that I feel love, and loved. This is good.

In my youth (ha! I'm still in my youth!!!) I loved goal setting. New Year's was one of my favorite times, and I was driven and pragmatic in my goal setting. I currently feel fragmented and futile in any kind of planning.

It's this season of life. Where priority number one SHOULD be cuddles, when I notice that the Buddah Belly on my 3.5 yr. old is almost entirely gone and my five year old vacillates between not wanting any cuddles and waking me up mid-sleep throwing a fit because he didn't get any good-night cuddles.

Will life ever slow down? As we pursue financial security are we pursuing our dreams or our happiness? No, not really. But we do pursue our happiness and dreams as we decide to let the dishes pile up and instead sit down for a family game or start a pillow fight. Or when we go to sleep without hanging up the clean clothes, instead allowing them to pile and mix with the slightly worn clothes. A wrinkle vs. a snore. Who can judge the value?

Am I happy? Is it lack of sleep, lack of medication, or trepidation about what I know 2012 has in store that is holding me back from jubilant reverse resolutions and clearly defined goals? As I find personal fulfillment, I find familial guilt. Should the word of the year be balance?

If I can look at the mess and say O.K., or say O.K. when I resign myself to actually wash the dishes, or O.K. to denying one responsibility to fulfill another, to say O.K. to staying home from a meeting to simply be there with my children, to say O.K. to the things and people I will have to say goodbye to this year, to say O.K. to letting myself feel guilt-free self-fulfillment. Say O.K. to the fact that I cannot do it all, all the time, and be all that I want to be. There is a time. And a season. There are songs that will be sung without my voice in the choir. Art will be made, actions planned, community built, and peanut butter and jam sandwiches constructed without me. I will do some things. I will let go of what I don't do. I will prioritize happiness.

I can also say O.K. to making my posts consistently WAY longer than I intend. Few people will read more than a few words. Oh well. :)

Occupying

Please try to understand. It's not about anti-government, anti-corporation, or even anti-rich/anti-money. It's about anti-government-for-the-corporate-dollar (where money is considered speech, and corps. are considered people without accountability) instead of for the *people*; anti-corporations-with-astronomic-inequality between CEOs, those they still employ (working more than 40/hrs a week because they are carrying double loads just to stay in the running to keep their jobs), huge profits paired with huge bailouts, bonuses, and lay-offs; and anti-rich-without-working-for-it or having compassion for those who desperately want to work. There is a message, though the causes and solutions are too complex to turn into a simple slogan. If you pass them off as extremist, leftists, anarchists or communists you are not listening and are completely missing the point.

What My Morning was Like (Nothing special or unusual)

Today for my drawing class, we were to list the mundane details of our day. Not directly related to drawing, but spilling out boring lists is SO much easier for me than drawing, so I actually did this homework:

Wake up to crying child crying "Mom, I'm wet." Proud of him for wanting to take care of it right away, not happy that my opportunity to sleep in on a non-school day is gone.
Take two year old back to bed, where he rubs my back softly but kicks at the same time, no more sleep will happen.
Wake up to four year old asking "Mom, can I play." So much easier. The yes sends an excited two year old out of my bed. Perhaps they will entertain themselves for long enough...
Wake up to two year old crying "Mom, I'm poopy!" Try to convince husband that he has to get up anyway, but without conviction as I know he was up late doing homework and the boy INSISTS that I'm the one to change him. Glad he was still in a diaper and not in underpants for the day yet.
Help excited child put on Star Wars unders.
Get quick shower interrupted with "Mom, brother hit me!" Ignored as shower time is ME time.
Get dressed and change the boy's poopy Star Wars underpants. Regret allowing the boy to eat so many oranges last night.
Realize I'm hungry and toast muffins for myself and boys (with peanut butter and jam at their request).
Inform the boys about their respective play dates today.
Send the following email:
"J, you still have one hour before it's time to go to N's house."
"Does that mean 10 minutes?"
"No, that's 60 minutes."
"16?"
"No, 60. That's 6 tens. You still have plenty of time to get dressed for the day, finish your game, AND clean up your game."

*fast forward five minutes*

J stands at Mommy's side, wearing his zipped up jacket.
"So can I go to N's now?"
"No, son, you still have about 50 minutes."
"But Moooooom, I finished my game."

Attempt to catch up on email but instead help boys get dressed, cleaned, and ready.
Have talk with four year old about treating friends nice before I watch him run full speed to N's house.
Begin washing dishes as I wait for the 2 year old neighbor to come over for his first play date with mine.
Check email to see if there's any reason they're late.
Wash more dishes, then let the guests in.
Attempt to make the 2 year olds comfortable with each other while I give visiting mom a break from holding her large 4 month old.
Hear visiting mother talk about her sibling 10 years older than her - and feel old for a moment when I discover this visitor is more than 10 years younger than I am.
Watch her child recognize letters and spell words with my fridge magnets and wonder if I should be worried that my son can't even get his colors right yet, let alone know any letters. At least he's started singing his ABC's.
Drink delicious blueberry pomegranate juice while peeling oranges for the kids. Think about how I will likely regret giving my son more oranges later.
Send away visitors.
Clean up potty accident, and help boy wash his hands after sitting on the toilet.
Help son clean up the Thomas train toys and allow him to watch Wonder Pets.
Hear excited squeel of "Daddy!!!" as Daddy pops in for lunch before heading off to work.
Clean up potty accident, and help boy wash his hands after sitting on the toilet. Again.
Read email from N's mom about how the boys are not getting along well and both insisting being best or first or in charge, etc.
Wash more dishes and wish I had a dishwasher, especially the day after hosting all the kids from the babysitting co-op.
Enjoy hearing great giggles and Daddy and son get a few moments of play time.
Think about how I really need to get good dish-washing gloves or my hands are going to go on strike and refuse to wash any more dishes.
Welcome big brother home and have a discussion with him about how to treat our friends. Help him get some paper to draw "I'm sorry" notes.
Happily help son sound out how to spell "I'm sorry," and help him remember what a Y looks like.
Begin typing out list of what I've done today, and think about how I haven't been silly enough. Time to put the list aside and have silly time with boys. (Will catch up on drawing class homework later...when have I thought that before?)

2010 Reverse Resolutions

I can't say whether I've been doing this for three or four years now, but I gotta say it's very fulfilling. Reverse resolutions are satisfying. Instead of making a list of things I'd hope to do in 2011 (and will most likely fail due to my lack of dedicated initiative without competition or incentive), I look back and list things from the previous year that I DID accomplish. It's amazing what looking at a list (large or small) the is COMPLETE can do for someone like me who is a great project starter, but now so much a project finisher. So without further ado, here are my 2010 reverse resolutions:

In 2010 I will:
Student teach middle and high school choirs, and make a big impact on my high school girl's choir.
Be the first of my siblings to earn a MASTER'S DEGREE!
Survive the busiest year of our little families' life.
Get a fulfilling job teaching music.
Face my demons and accept that I have chronic depression, and begin the process of getting out of it.
Organize a babysitting co-op so I actually have time for nights out with my husband.

Ah. Yes, that was something! Now to go meditate on what I actually should work on this year...

It's a 'Sidaster!!!'

Our house has exploded!

Overall, it's actually a very good thing, because it means we're going through and sorting, organizing, and generally taking care of what we have. But at the moment it's very overwhelming.

Most of what you can see in the picture is clothes for the boys that we brought back from my parents' place on Monday. We managed to go through many boxes of old hand-me-down clothes and pare down what was being kept. So now there are ~15 less boxes of clothes being stored there! I won't bother taking pictures of other rooms, because they're messy, too, but not in a good way. Although none of them are as bad as the living room.

It's a wonderful thing that we get to spend as much time with my parents and little siblings as we do, but it sometimes comes at a cost of some housework getting ignored. (Of course that's our fault - not theirs!) It doesn't help that sometimes I just get worn out too fast. Allergies are the main culprit this week. I think that there's just way more mold and mildew problems down here. I don't know if it's just these buildings with their bad windows or the city in general. I seem to be fighting allergies almost year round here, and it seems to be different than the ones I get up in the Portland area. :( But I plan to do better, at least with the housework.

The boys are both in morning pre-school now, which they both love! Although Peter has had a few rough mornings this week where he just really doesn't want either Amber or I to leave. It's a little more okay when Amber drives off simply because I'm still there, but then I take them inside and he falls apart when I tell them goodbye and am going. The teacher says that it's usually best to just go and let them get it over with. The constant hovering trying to wait out their bad times just prolongs the pain for them. Like they just keep thinking that you're about to go, I guess. So I've been just heading out after seeing them get started playing, but it's not easy. Today Peter was first patting the ground next to him asking me to sit down and play, and then when that didn't work he got up and came running to get to me. The teacher went and got him and took him to go play, but he wasn't happy about it. I could still hear his crying from outside as I walked back to the apartment.

Resolution: Get Happy

Naturally, I'm an optimistic champion idealist yellow sort of person. That's why this blog has the name it does. When I think of yellow, I think of fun happy sunshine. I think of things like my mom's zippy dream car. I have also always been a dreamer. I live in the land of big What-ifs. And not the anxious kind of What-ifs, but the "What if there were world peace" kind of What-ifs.

When I was in fifth grade, I had an entire year of low-self esteem to the point of hiding and crying every recess. Until, one day, I said "What if I liked myself. What if I didn't depend on others to provide my happiness." It made a world of difference. A difference that lasted until my senior year of high school, when I was at what appeared to be the top of my game: great grades in advanced classes, president of several clubs including youth mayor of my city, winning awards for my compositions and piano playing, lead in the musical, on track to get great scholarships. But reality was I was battling depression and felt I had no one to talk to about it. On and off again through college, I managed it behaviorally with exercise, diet, relaxation and stress management. I constantly battled the bouts of distress amidst the great adventures and very fun time I had in college and beyond. I did a great job keeping it together, and life really fell into place. I met my dream man, was living my dream life, and even had the worlds greatest children. Through all this, something was nagging and I was ignoring.

A month ago, I went to the health clinic to get some allergy relief. The intake nurse (a beautiful Navajo woman who taught me to say Yá'át'ééh and Hágoónee') told me they were doing a survey and asked if I smoked. Easy: no. Then she asked if I was depressed. I laughed and said, Oh, probably. With a raised an eyebrow she gave me a motherly scolding glance and handed me a survey to fill out while I waited to see the Doctor. The survey included run-of-the mill depression symptoms and asked you to rank how much they've affected you in the past two weeks. I threw circles around numbers here and there, but was actually shocked when I read the box explaining how to interpret my tally. One level, not depressed. The next, maybe and you could consider some behavioral changes. Up a notch, depressed, and you should probably seek help. Then there was my score: severe. The number seemed to shout at me like a New Jersey know-it-all. "You see! Stop ignoring it. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ALREADY."

My thoughts became consumed with reviewing my past actions. It became a little scary when I couldn't pinpoint how far back the depression really went. Years, anyway. Sure, my life has been stressful, especially this year - but there has been something extra making things difficult.

So, I've begun therapy and am trying all sorts of ways to get this under control. I want to be the happy person that I know I really am. I want to feel like a good wife and mother. I want to be a great teacher. None of this will happen if I don't confront this depression and do something about it.

Like usual for me, things are falling into place, in a good way. Only this time I'm not trying to shove the depression into the back of my mind. I'm calling it out for what it is, and working with it. Instead of hiding out and crying I'm considering the What-ifs. What if I felt like getting up in the morning? What if I actually did those "good wife" and "good mother" things I imagine but just can't get the umph to do anything about? What if I allow myself to actually enjoy activities? What if I exercised, and worked toward getting back a body I felt happy with? What if I actually allowed myself to make friends instead of making excuses as to why I'm too stressed and busy to do anything? What if I become the person I know I am, and like myself?

The practical optimist in me says I WILL do this, I CAN do this, but it won't be easy, it will take time, and it will take effort. I have an action plan. I am making achievable goals. I'm excited for the possibilities. So to those of you who have known me for a long time, you'll be able to say "welcome back" when you meet me again. For those of you who have met me only recently, be warned that the real Amber is about to Stand Up.

Five AMAZING Years

Ceremony 2
Originally uploaded by amberlynnlane.

I can't count the moments I stop myself in utter awe when I think of how lucky I am to have found you. Five years ago we made our promises to each other legally binding, and I still can't believe I get to keep you!

Erik, I can't begin to express how much I love you. Thank you for being my perfect partner. Happy fifth anniversary, my love.

2009 Reverse Resolutions

I haven't posted in a long time. It's like I've been busy or something! My friend Jamie reminded me of this and I thought it would be nice to do again . . .

In 2009 I will:

Get accepted to and begin grad school.
Move out of my in-laws house.
Miss my in-laws very much (but still be okay on our own).
Conduct a real choir, complete with orchestra.
Improve my conducting and teaching skills.
Survive and support my family on a very limited budget.
Get back in touch with some dear long-lost friends.
Survive my worst cold ever.
Get back into SLR photography, improve my photography skills, and photograph a wedding.
Thoroughly enjoy my children.
Learn to appreciate my wonderful husband even more.

It DOES feel great to start the new year with a totally checked off list!

Me vs. Me and Them

After my senior year of college, I was sent to a Women's Leadership Development conference. A few representatives from each college and university were there, along with invited facilitators, mentors, and speakers. Nobody there was "average." Each person there had magnificent capability for leadership that was being applied currently, or showed bursting potential. Among this crowd, I received a compliment that I reflect on frequently. As we were walking the conference coordinator was walking along side me and told me, "The mentors have been talking about you, and I have to agree with them. You are probably the most self-aware youth I've ever met. How do you do it?"

My off-the-cuff answer was, "Thank you. It's probably because I take time to think about it. I reflect on the person I am and the person I want to be." At the time, I went to church, weekly. I practiced Yoga daily. I took time for prayer (what I defined as speaking the desires of the soul) and meditation (silent listening).

I just finished reading "The Musician's Soul" by James Jordan, an assigned reading for one of my classes. At that time in my life, while reading about taking time for prayer and meditation I would have said, "Duh! Of course! Quiet reflection time is invaluable."

However, when I read things like that now I guffah and think about the author, "you must not have young children!" Even if I were still seeking religious spiritual answers, I would likely be spending my time at church shushing the children instead of pondering the state of my soul. Also, I would love to continue Yoga practice, especially in a well designed studio that gave individualized progressive instruction rather than the fluffy fad Yoga classes I encounter when I have tried drop ins.

I'm thankful I took the time to work on those aspects of myself when I could. Saying I don't have time now sounds like a cop-out. So, I need to make the case for why it's not. I COULD make the time to meditate, study yoga, and have quiet self reflective time. I COULD take the time to go get a church conducting job so I could improve my conducting skills the way I have seen other classmates improve through this extra experience. I COULD, but it would take sacrifices in other areas of my life. It is about priorities.

I am currently constantly battling to find healthy balance in the joy I find in improving myself, and learning, and performing, and studying - and the guilt I feel in being away from the house so much, and closing the door to my children so I can do the reading I need to do. Both are important... my self development, and mothering. I will be a better mother if I feel fulfilled. I can give my children better opportunities if they have a good example. But my own fulfillment is of no use if I'm never around the children for them to reap any benefits.

I've come to the conclusion that parenting is the most difficult job. Now, rather than prioritizing different aspects of my OWN life, I must balance this with care for my children. One of the hardest parts is knowing that mistakes are inevitable... and consequences can be long-lasting.

I think the same is true of teaching, which hopefully my future career.

I would love advice for those who have been able to find the balance with positive self-development, and positive care, teaching, and influence on the development of others. Do you find compatibility, or is there always an imbalance... guilt for too much self-fulfillment, or emptiness in too much self-sacrifice?

Back to the Books

Hello from Oregon State University! The campus and our new diggs are lovely, despite the occasional manure smell from the pasture across the street. We're feeling a little more moved in every day. Clothes are slowly finding their way to new homes (especially when there is a desperate need to discover a pair of shorts in this wickedly hot weather), dishes are being discovered (Erik just found the colander in the boys' room), and study spaces are coming into being.

The adjustment to being a student again has been both difficult and rewarding. Difficult for many reasons. The boys have not adjusted well to the idea of Mom being in view, and yet unable to easily focus on them. As someone who has formerly depended on quiet solitary space for study, transitioning to attempting to focus on academic literature while boys are jumping on you and screaming for attention has not been easy. As an non-TA, non-"research" grad student... an office was not in the offering. Also, the music building is on the other side of campus, and without a bike, with children at home, and walking in the heat - the idea of walking there just to study is simply out of the question. At the same time, the class-work itself was much more than I had anticipated (although, from a learning perspective, that's a great thing). On the first day of class, I was handed music and told to be ready for rehearsal that evening. Other students in the class knew what to expect, and received their music earlier in the summer. I had registered late, as I didn't anticipate having housing here in Corvallis in time to take the class. Until this evening, I've felt like I was cramming hard for a final every day. In a way, I was. However, so far, the work has really paid off. I'm learning and improving much, which is the goal! (Not to mention I already have the opportunity to stand in front of 100+ voices, wave my arms, and have music of the masters resonate before my ears!)

We're finding solutions to the problems we've met: making office/study space in the bedroom (including the purchasing of a desk and mirrors, and a new computer as our laptop is dead) , landing the ideal job as the Community Assistant for our housing community (I get to be an RA all over again, hurray!), and juggling our time to maximize efficient study/family time.

My favorite solution we've found is having picnic dinners on days I have class and rehearsals. This allows me quiet study time after class, I don't have to wipe myself out walking home and back again just to grab dinner, and I get outdoor play time with my BOYS. I'm SO grateful to have such an amazing supportive husband/father-of-my-kids. He's truly lived up to every expectation of my pre-marriage rose-colored-glasses-he's-perfect days.

Erik, I love you!

As a friend commented on Facebook, if I'm looking forward to doing my homework, I'm obviously in the right place. I really am passionate about what I'm studying. I may not be as technically refined (yet!) in my conducting as the others, nor have the vocal training that they do (but I am learning!), but I'm having a great adventure and look forward to the leader/conductor I'm becoming. Future choir classroom.... wa'chout!

Moving

Moving was so easy when I was single (remaining petless helped). I could go anywhere, live with anyone, and not worry too much if it was or wasn't going to work out 'cause moving again would be such an easy option. When I moved to Portland from New Jersey, I just looked at a map online of where my job would be, hopped on Craigslist, and found the nearest place within my price range.

Trying to find a place in a new town with an entire family is a whole different game. Although we applied to get into the student family housing as soon as it was possible for us to apply, we were told about a month or two ago that the earliest we could expect to get a spot would be in January or so.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I opened up an email that said there was a spot opening up July 10th, and we were at the top of the list. The timing could not be more perfect!

Now, I can take that summer class at OSU rather than here at PSU... which may mean I don't have to take it again next summer (which was the advisor's original request). The dates of classes will be the same (July 20th-August 15) but I won't have to commute and I'll only be IN classes two days a week instead of four. Now, I won't have to deal with moving during the same time as Joshua and Chelsea's wedding - which will make the nuptials all the more enjoyable.

Also, Erik doesn't have to stress about the necessity of a job now. (He's still keeping eyes and ears open for a good opportunity that can work around my school schedule, though.) Rent will be much less than elsewhere, and commuting costs will be less - plus we won't have to move again after we get there.

We're so excited to get to live in a community of other student families. That should make the transition so much easier, for Jasper especially.

At this point, I can only see one down side to the whole thing - and that's the fact that we're moving at all. I think this will be my first move ever where I'll be truly sad to leave where I am. I'm going to miss being here with my in-laws and the wonderful four little kids. The Lanes are truly an awesome family, and it's obvious to me why Erik has always wanted to live as close as possible to them. We'll only be two hours away, so visits won't be too difficult - but the thought of leaving them is already breaking my heart a little.

(My littlest sis-in-law told me tonight that I could just take their picture and write their name on the back so that when I missed them, I could look and remember who they were. So precious! I told them I could never forget... and snapped a photo of her anyway.)

Day at the Beach

Public Service Announcement

This is a personal/family blog - where vulnerability happens. I am nowhere near perfect, and sometimes will stoop to sharing evidence of this fact. Due to someone's desire to take anonymous pot-shots at others' shortcomings, comments will now be moderated.

Belittling others will not make you feel better about yourself, even if you do feel momentarily superior. I don't know if anything makes you more open to the realization of how IMPERFECT we are than parenthood. Hopefully, we can get by from day to day with the ability to hold on to what is good and right, and try to leave our mistakes behind us. And yes, learn from them.

So, dear Anonymous, you may attempt to post again with your name behind it and I will decide then whether or not to post it. If you choose to be mean, at least be willing to back it up with your name.

Nightmare Come True

I knew there was something interesting I was forgetting to update the family on during our weekly Skype conference yesterday!

I have had several nightmares where I'm in a moving car - not in the drivers' seat - and I have some sort of trouble 'cause I have to hurry and hit the brake on the car somehow.

On Saturday, while shopping for last minute birthday party supplies, I had one of those "I'm an awful mother!" moments. (I don't doubt that there were at least two witnesses who later retold the story of the awful mother they saw at Freddy's.)

Before we even found a parking spot Jasper was already asking for a driving cart. I spotted on in the lot, and found a parking space right behind it. (You know, the monster huge ones that look like a car on the outside and have steering wheels for the kidlets. Kids love them, they are a PAIN to push around...) Unfortunately, the driving cart was buried under a set of three other carts, so I would have to dig. Since I have to dig out the cart before I can safely (well, safe is relative... this particular cart had a broken seat belt, and the seats are awful high. Peter often slides down into the footwell.) get the kids inside.

While I quickly hopped out to get the cart, Jasper asked if he could wait for me in the driver's seat (I left Peter in his car seat). I said sure. He "drives" all the time. I would just be a second. So I hop out of the car, and into the adjacent lot where the carts are parked and begin to dig out the driving cart. When I look up, I notice that Goldy Car is rolling backwards... but Jasper is still happily playing with whatever switches and gears he can find. (He must have popped it out of gear.)

"JASPER! JASPER!" I hollered, as I dropped everything and ran to the car.

This is where I got lucky. Jasper was smart enough to move IMMEDIATELY when I told him to, I had left the door open, so I didn't have to take the time to open it to get in, no cars were coming down the lane, and two guys happened to be watching and hopped to the back of the car. At the same time as I got in and stomped the brake, the two men got to the back of the car and stopped it just before it hit another parked car.

With my heart racing, the men gave me a little push so I could roll the car back into it's spot and FIRMLY YANK THE PARKING BREAK.

The neighboring parking car gaped as I asked Jasper to wait for me in the passenger seat, and I once again left the boys in the car so I could bring them their driving cart. But it really was the safest thing I could do with the children at the time. Two kids and one grown up in a parking lot is HARD work. Asha (the instructor for our birthing class) was right, more than one kid, and you're outnumbered!

Neither boy was fazed. My heart began racing all over again when we returned to the car from shopping. Never again will I forget to pull the parking/emergency break.

Strong and Courageous

Cancer.

I'd have to say it's one of my biggest fears. 3/4 of my grandparents had it... not all survived it. A best friend from my childhood recently won her battle with it. Now, my aunt-in-law has joined the ranks.

She's' been amazing and inspirational throughout her struggles. Throughout the journey, she's allowed herself to be vulnerable - sharing her experiences, blessings and gripes. She invited me to come document one of her treatments, which I was excited to do... until it was time to go. For some reason, going to the treatment center scared me. Facing a fear, I guess.

Yet, she was so full of smiles. So calm. So strong. I was immediately at ease, and enjoyed the personal visit with her and her husband. "Strong and Courageous" has been the fitting theme for her journey. I'm so proud to be able to call her family.

Thank you Drenda, for being a great example of strength and courage. And, for being you.

When Affirmations Work

I haven't been enjoying my singing lessons for a while. I thought perhaps it was due to my short attention span. Or guilt over not practicing quite enough. Or simply not enjoying trying to develop my lower voice. (I'm a soprano. I'm a soprano who can't hit high notes very well lately. Grumble.) It had a lot to do with my inability to match my physical manifestation of the music to my intellectual understanding of what should happen. Plus, I don't love the songs I'm working on right now. (Well, I do love one of them... but I don't care for two that I've been working on for months now.)

Then today, on the way to lessons I told myself, "I can play this game. I AM a Musician today." And since I'm a terrible actor, I couldn't fake my way around it. I simply had to be a real musician. I didn't stress at my lesson. I didn't second-guess my teacher when he said good things about my progress. I was simply a musician.

And I left my lesson happy.

He Growls, You Know

The cutest monster I know is dressed in a little monster onesie today. It *really* suits him. It's hard to get anything done when he's not contained somewhere. (He was forced into Saucerville this evening when our freezer showed us it was serious about forgetting how to freeze. Good thing rice chex in the little bowl kept him happy.) Alternatively, if he's not getting into something he's likely nursing - or asleep (post-nursing) on top of me and will wake if I move. Again, not much gets done.

Things I do too rarely, due to the Peter excuse, and feel mildly guilty about:

1. Practice my singing. (My desire to do this has seriously waned. I think my attention span for projects/hobbies maxes out at 3 months.)
2. Dishes and other necessary near or on floor cleaning. (What did we ever do pre-Roomba?)

Things I should or would like to do if I could knock the boy out long enough to clean and then set up the sewing machine:

1. Fix the elastics in the BumG diapers.
2. Make some diapers.
3. Make at least one sun/bucket hat (for Peter).
4. Make a nifty bean bag for my camera.
5. Make crafty gifts... (Will not release details 'till gifts are given.)
6. Oh, speaking writing of no. 5, I have some things to mail.

What I DO:

I snap photos now and then, and it's pretty easy to play with them on the computer while tending to the milder sides of monster baby care.

Easter In Pictures

Look! I wrapped up a big day in a small amount of words, yet my title remains unreasonably long

Jasper had an emergency-room-level owie today. Luckily, his dislocated elbow was fixed by the doctor doing a little bone manipulation and then making Jasper reach out for a toy. The magic worked. Hurray for doctors! Little Jazz is good as new.

Peter, on the other hand, is obviously all better from his sicknesses and is an insanely bouncy, happy baby.

Crafty Day

First, I fell in love with this fabric at IKEA:

So, I finally made some curtain panels out of it. I need to go get more. Some of my windows are bigger than others. I do love having colorful trees in my window instead of the drab colorless panels that were there before.

Then, I saw these little decorations hanging in a row on top of a curtain panel on display at IKEA.
I liked the idea, but wasn't going to spend money on the bright doilies. Instead, I thought about what extra fun decorative thing I could do. Spring made me think flowers. So I found directions online for making cloth flowers... They looked cute, and I had lots of little pieces of fabric just sitting around waiting to become something. First, I made these:

And these:
Then I noticed the flowers on the Lyric Art I have...Cool.

Anyway, I strung my bright ones to hang them the way the doilies were on display at IKEA.I don't really like the result. These flowers are too small to even matter in this context. I think they'll work better as clips for bags or clothes or hair. I will try something else for window decoration. (I do love my curtains, though.)

Blogging for Dollars... (Or maybe wasting my time)

I don't know if I'm a sucker wasting my time, or if taking silly surveys and browsing "student finance" articles (most seem like they're trying to sell you a credit card or an advertisement for a lending company), but I'm participating in yet another activity to earn "scholarship points" to enter "free scholarships." Is this why I'm getting so much loan related spam in my inbox lately?

Scholarship Points looks like it may be a legitimate place, that gives out real scholarships. They have photos and blurbs about winners. The trouble is, it seems really stupid to me to participate in market research simply for scholarships. I'm much more into merit or need based scholarships, but that's just my opinion. I guess everyone could use some help.

You do little activities (like this blog post, reviewing their site, for example) and they'll give you "points." You spend points on the scholarship drawings of your choice. (Um, let's see... do I spend my 125 points entering a $10,000 scholarship or a $1,000 drawing. Hard choice.) Actually, you can divvy up your points, so I do throw about 10 points worth into the smaller drawings, just because less people have entered.

There's nothing difficult about the process, except you have to remember to log in frequently. Winners have to check the winner's page and claim their prize or its given away to someone else. You can get extra points by following them on Twitter, or friending them on Facebook as well.

Sorry for the excess of quotation marks, it just all seems relatively stupid and time wasting to me. However, if I do actually win a scholarship, I take all my skepticism back and will change my tune to: "Do short simple activities, get free money. Hurray!"

For now, I'm still expecting debt... and *hoping* to recieve scholarships through the University.

Another Cloth Diapering post

A friend of a friend has cloth diapers questions. You'll be surprised at how passionate people can get in their pro or con cloth diaper opinions! Crazy.

Anyway, I've been using cloth diapers for three years now, on two bums. Every kid's bum (not to mention their poop) is different - so as far as stinky and messy, the experience can change from kid to kid. I personally have had way more blow-outs with disposables (which we use on longer vacations, or when the kids are sick/on meds that affect stools). That alone is less gross for me. I HATE blow-out clean up. (And yes, even when using the nicer, more expensive disposable brands.) However, Baby No. 2's poop likely would have made me choose not to do cloth if it weren't for the money savings, and having a sprayer to help clean them.

For cost savings, as long as you don't diaper service, you WILL save money using cloth, even when you buy the nice ones. I did the math once and was blown away at the savings I was getting. And that was before baby no. 2. Not buying diapers for him at all (except for the occasional disposables) has really sent the savings through the roof. (If you're interested in reading, I have done several blog posts about cloth diapers, you can read some by searching for cloth diapers here on the blog.)

Andrea, here are some more answers to your questions and replies to other comments to fill in the gaps:

1. Yes, diaper sprayers make all the difference. I hadn't used them when I posted before, I just had a dedicated brush for wiping stuff off. However, that wouldn't work with baby no. 2's poo. Sprayer = WONDERFUL!

2. Reasons not to CD (cloth diaper) come down to lifestyle choice. CDing is way easier and less time consuming than some people think, BUT IT IS MORE WORK than 'sposies. (Some CD lovers will hate admitting it, but it's true.) You'll likely change diapers just a little more often, and have a little more laundry to do. (You'll already have more laundry to do as the kids come along.)

3. Even the spendy diapers will save you money... EVEN if you eventually decide not to stick with it. Resale value on cloth diapers is surprisingly good, especially if you get good ones (like Bum G's)

4. If you wash CDs in the wrong detergents, they can be worse for rash. Some kids are sensitive to detergents that have enzyme cleaners. However, I happen to use enzyme cleaners anyway because I like them and my kids are ok with them. (Arm & Hammer "Free and Clear" and BioClean for poop stains... although nothing works better than sunshine for removing poop stains. I'm serious! Sun is also best for disinfecting diapers.)

If you use pre-fold style cloth diapers without liners, and change as infrequently as folks using 'sposies do (they can ignore wet ones for a long time due to chemicals in the diapers) you may give your kid rash. The good cloth diapers (I like Bum Genius and Fuzzi Buns) will wick moisture away, and breathe well, so you won't have much problem with rashes. Also, for any diapering (cloth or CD) making sure bums are dry when you seal 'em up in a diaper goes a long way.

Our second son is more prone to rash (it's a sign he's getting sick) and we do find that disposables are useful when he already has rash. As good as the good clothies are, 'sposies do seem to breathe just a bit better.

5. Info about CDs can get overwhelming. My advice is to try a diaper or two in many different varieties and find out what you and your babies bum like best. Then, you can resale all that you don't like, buy more of the ones you do, and enjoy not having diapers on your shopping list. (I still use all but two of the kinds I originally bought. I would buy more varieties just to try 'em, if I needed to. There are some CUTE and SMART diapers out there.) (Rocky Mountain Diapers are first on my "to try" list. Maybe someday.)

6. I believe using cloth makes potty training easier. Laundry loads multiply when they get older (due to potty training and just bigger mess making) anyway, so you may as well start earlier with cloth. Antsy Pants are amazing cloth pull-ups. Me Loves 'Em. (Full disclosure, I am friends with their creator, but I can assure you she's ALL ABOUT high quality. She used to design for Nike, so she knows her stuff.)

Also, for those who have/do read my previous posts, and update about the durability of Bum Genius diapers. I have version (generation?) one of these, and the elastics around the legs have worn out. (The velcro tabs are still just fine, though.) So, I must rate Fuzzy Buns higher on the durability scale. However, new generations of Bum Genius diapers may be better quality. I know the outer fabric is nicer.)

P.S. My husband shrugs and says, "Well, they are more work. But they do save money." Much more concise and to the point. One reason I like him so much.

Busy week at the rainy farm!

It's been a very full week, so I'm updating a little earlier than usual.

First of all, thank you to all those who Skyped me over the weekend to have me sing for you. It definitely helped my confidence, and the critiques were helpful as well. Also, I learned that my little sister is expecting a baby, due in August. I'm so excited!

Monday was spent in preparations for my interview, climaxing with an emotional freak out in the evening. Once again I'm reminded that I handle stress very strangely, often not recognizing it at all until it takes it's toll physically. I didn't think I was so stressed over this interview, but I obviously was. Of course, the emotional freak out wasn't even directly about the interview, but that's just another notch on my inability to mentally recognize my current stressors. I guess I can intellectually recognize them, it just doesn't compute. I'm gonna have to wrap this up with how thankful I am to have such a loving and supportive husband.

Tuesday morning, there was snow on the ground. PERFECT for a day of mostly driving. (sarcasm check) The drive down wasn't too bad, thankfully. Denise, Peter, and Jasper came with me. I didn't want the baby nursing needs to distract me from a good performance, and Denise was an excellent on-site babysitter. (No, they didn't come into the interview. The stayed in the lounge upstairs.)

The singing part of my audition/interview did not go perfectly... but nothing went *wrong* with it either, it certainly went better than it would have had I not prepared so hard. They only had me sing the first half, though they had me sing it twice 'cause the choral director was out of the room looking for a particular accompanist when I sang it the first time. I was actually pretty comfortable singing, and the smiles on their faces helped me enjoy myself.

The interview portion was actually fun. There was much joking and laughter. They made fun of Idaho... one of them graduated from U of I the year before I went there, another has a wife who is from Idaho... so that was fun. Many of my answers were met with head nods, smiles, laughter, so I felt great when I left the room. They were impressed with my ESL (English as a Second Language) teaching certification, so that may come in handy after all. The final question was "Would you consider teaching at the elementary level? With your eclectic skills you'd be really good at it! Not that we're trying to push you to do it."

I answered, "Sure! After being in the classroom I've really enjoyed working with young kids. But I also think I'd be really good at teaching middle and high school students."

This was followed by a "Good answer!"

The drive home was stressful for me, only because of the weather and my anxious lack of sleep the night before. That evening, I emailed the professors and thanked them for the interview. One of them (head of the choral studies/conducting dept.) responded within five minutes saying he's glad I'm considering OSU for my graduate work and to email him if I have any questions. Seems like a good sign to me!

Wednesday was very full. After Erik got home from work, we went to go visit a friend who's recovering from quintuple bypass surgery. Jasper remained very shy for the whole visit, but he was likely also tired. Our friend (Denise D'Angelo) looks to be recovering very well, and it was so nice to see her. Our next stop made us especially thankful that she didn't have a heart attack...

We then went to the memorial services for Joe Espinoza, a great jazz musician and former collegue of mine. At 52, he died of a stroke on the way to pick up his soon to be 10 year old autistic son from school. He lived a full life, with no regrets, and I'm so glad I had the chance to know him. (Jasper completely slept through the entire thing, and was a little upset about it when he woke up and we were heading home.)

We then taught our Wednesday night dance class. This group has the highest median age of any class I've taught, and they're quite a kick-in-the-pants. Some of them struggle with rhythm, but I love having every one of them in there.

Thursday night, I had the opportunity to go to the opera for the first time. (A friend had a ticket, but had the chance to be in Peru during the show so I made sure his ticket didn't go to waste. Thanks Lindsey!) I've liked Benjamin Britten's music I had previously heard, but I just wasn't into his rendition of "Turn of the Screw." The one thing that WAS impressive, however, was the ten year old, Michael Meo. Along with holding his own along with professional opera singers, he played the piano as part of his role, and it was really good. He should have a great career ahead of him.

Peter is keeping me on my toes, and I'm looking forward to the day I take him out in public without a bruise or scratch on his face. After figuring out how crawling works, he's returned to army crawling. However, he's cruising much more, and even playing a bit with walking toys. He's also pretty demanding for solid foods, and loves whatever he can get. I don't remember Jasper being nearly as bi-polar as this kid is. It seems like he's either giggly happy, or really really mad. Not much in between.

Jasper usually asks to go to the big house almost first thing in the morning. He loves the chance to play with Legos without Peter being a problem, and without having to compete with the older boys for prime toys. Jasper is also practicing his phone skills by calling Grandma before coming over. He sometimes remembers to say goodbye before he hangs up, but not often.

I don't know when I'll hear final results about grad school, but I do know I have some work to do on scholarship applications. Of course I'll keep you posted!

Blond Hair, Brown Sand

Because Jessica tagged me (fourth pic in my fourth folder), and because I feel like I haven't posted a pic in a while, and because I'm not taking the time for an update post yet.

More than 25 random things about me

I already did this meme on Facebook, but now I'm doing an additional one on Blogger. If you have not been tagged, I would love if you post 25 random things about yourself (here or on Facebook). Let us all get to know you a little better. :)


2) Since doing this meme, and reading others, the thought keeps popping into my head "that could go on a list of 25 random things about me." I then ponder if that says something about my ego, and if doing more of these is really selfish. On the other hand, things often stick in my head until I get them out somehow, and writing is often the easiest way to do that. As long as I'm writing, I may as well share.

1) I am extremely "field dependent." Among other things, this means my surroundings greatly influence my ability to concentrate. I cannot do anything that requires concentration if something else is going on. Reading with TV or radio on? No go! Therefore, I often give up and play on Facebook instead. It's one reason I don't read as much as I'd like to. Sleeping if others are awake is also usually extremely difficult for me. Also, the mess in my house if often reflective of my feelings. Clean = feel great, clutter = well, you get it. I don't know if the mess or the mood come first though. Chickens. Eggs.

3) I love when people use big words with a glimmer in their eye that says "aren't you proud of how smart I'm trying to be?" I loathe when people use big words with the tone in their voice that says "you probably didn't understand what I just said so don't even try pretending you're as smart as me." However, my current favorite television character is Sheldon. Go figure.

4) I have never and probably will never like the way I look in glasses. I much prefer the look of my face without them. However, my vision is not corrected by soft lenses, I don't have the budget to invest in new hard lenses just to find out if new ones will help or if allergies and wind are all that prevent me from being able to wear my contacts I own now. When we are gainfully employed again, Lasik surgery for me is near the top of our wish list.

5) I once won a hula hoop contest. It was at a dance, and they wanted to see who could last the longest. A few of us lasted so long they continued on with everything else and just had us going off on the side. Then, someone got the idea to make it challenging. We had to move the hoop up to our neck and back down. The quickly eliminated most others on the first try, and on the second round I was the only one still going strong. Can I count this as a winning something in the athletic realm?

6) I find public transportation a great source of inspiration. Overheard conversations hold the same excitement as reading a well-built character, or watching a movie. I imagine entire life stories for the people I hear. Where they're from and where they're going. This helped me with my "I" Search (for those who remember the project from Mr. G's class... for those who don't, it was like a high school level thesis project). It seems like half of my paper illustrated the people I met on the bus on the way to interviews I conducted, or illustrated the crazy librarians who helped me research. (Remember pre-Google days, anyone?) The big question is... do I still find all librarians as loony as I did then. Kristin, David, you may never know. ;)

7) I find bathrooms an easy yet powerful metaphor, often illustrated in movies. Can you name a bathroom scene in a movie that didn't have something to do with self-reflection, loneliness, anger, sorrow, pain, or related emotions? It's a lonely place where you deal with the things you need to deal with. OOooo! I just thought of a movie scene that defies this entire idea. Joan Cusack in the movie Toys. Man, it's been *forever* since I've seen that one.

8) I envy spontaneous artsy eccentrics. There was once an old lady who lived in Red Rock, Nevada, near where my Grandmother wintered during her snowbirding days. The rocks in Red Rock weren't red. So, she painted them. "I'm going to learn to play trombone. I'm going to go to India. I'm going to Medical School." All random desires of a music (piano)/math dual major friend of mine in college. Now, having random "I'm going to..." desires is not foreign to my own nature. But she actually DID them all. Miss-Lissa... my "treehouse" roommate who sang on the kitchen bar with a guitar in hand - interrupting herself to say "wait, is that what a cowgirl sounds like?" and needed to be told when to stop eating because she couldn't recognize the sensation of being full. (Wait, those weren't really illustrations of her spontaneous artsyness, were they.) There are several other people I could mention in this list, who's lives look so magical and free.

9) Continuing on the last thought, I really liked he main character in the movie "Happy Go Lucky." At one point in my life, I was certainly on track to be just like her. Debreifing the movie, Erik mentioned that he and some friends at one point decided the point where you become a grown up is when you have kids. I love being a mother, but I do have a hard time reconciling that fact that I'm a grown up now.

10) A am deeply in love with our IKEA drying rack. I can't find it advertised on their website, so I don't know it's nifty name, but we first saw it in their catalog and it was the item that got us into the store for the first time. (Whoa!, is all I have to say about that.) We'd been shopping around for a good drying rack for a long time. We'd been using Erik's parent's old wooden one, which was nice but sometimes stained clothes, and they began using it more frequently so we needed one of our own. Any similar style wooden racks we could find were much smaller and not stable. But THIS BABY... oh how I love her. She's versitile, she holds tons of clothes (three full loads in this picture, and there's still room to spare) and she folds up very flat. Best $38 we spent all year.

11) One accomplishment I am very proud of is turning a boy from one of those people who has no rhythm, to someone who was completely comfortable on the dance floor. He and his fiance had given themselves a full year to prepare for their wedding dance. He was totally willing to go crazy with his body in order to experience the connection of movement and music. Several of the suggestions on my Dance Primer post about how to get rhythm are inspired by things that we tried that worked! (And if you read it, you thought I was just being ridiculous...)

12) I cannot wiggle my ears. I can roll my tongue. These are both abilities affected by genetics, according to my favorite section of high school science, where I had to survey several family members on these and other things and then make genetic possibility charts. My science teacher graded on a curve, where whoever had the highest score - that grade became 100%... Genetics was the only section where I was top of the class.

13) In transferring through three different colleges, the science requirements always changed. I enjoyed the sciences enough, so I always chose a class on something I had never studied before. I've studied chemistry, physics, biology, physical geography, geology, ecology, and astronomy. I loved them all, am an expert in none. I can barely remember how to do basic algebra, and only because I studied it this year before taking the CBEST. I was a music (theory/composition) major.

14) Until 2000, I disliked more foods than you can name. My parents gave up even trying to cook for me and I would fend for myself at meal time. When I went to Italy, I committed to trying everything at least once. This opened the door for me, and I love so many foods I would never go near before (mushrooms, for one). I now LOVE to try new types of food, but then usually stick with one dish I know I love. (I'll probably order the mole dish at a Mexican restaurant, or Pad Thai at a Thai restaurant, etc.) However, I still can't stand potatoes. (No, not even fries or chips.)

15) My father and I never used to agree about appearances. It wasn't that I would show too much skin or anything, it was that he wished I would dress ... well... nicer. However, the subject hasn't been discussed again since climaxing at a hilarious moment: My parents were coming through my college town after a camping trip and stopped by to take me out for a Birthday meal. After a bit of chatting I asked if we were going to head out. "Don't you want to change first?" My Dad asked, suggesting I would not want to be seen in public wearing my bright red pants, baby blue gingham shirt, and quilted bright blue coat. I burst out laughing... you see, my dad was wearing leather fringed pants, red suspenders, and a pink floral print blouse. (Did I mention he had just been camping, and was a Mountain Man?) I am positive I will find myself in similar silly situations as a parent.

16) I have been sewing for as long as I can remember. My mom taught me how to sew when I was little, and I would create fancy costumes and formal dresses for my Cabbage Patch kids (out of scraps from the real clothes my older sisters were making). In fifth grade, I sewed all my new school clothes including my school bad. That was the year I finally realized how poor my fashion sense was. My tropic print parachute (Hammer) pants would be golden in a "bad fashion from the past" contest today... I don't remember ever following a pattern until I was in college, and I had to have a friend help me. I still don't follow patterns (or recipes) well.

17) A few things I really love but don't do often (if at all) and am nowhere near expert: organic gardening, digital/graphic design, crafting, interior design, gourmet cooking, reading, composing music, singing jazz, hiking, swimming, river rafting, camping...

18) Things I love and do often: eat chocolate, Facebook, read blogs, dream (the waking - "what's in my future" kind).

19) Things I hate and do often: lack patience, speak without thinking, not cleaning up after myself or staying organized.

20) You know those little dreams you have before you actually fall asleep? I have had several of those come true. They're usually nothing important - like an unlikely combination of people walking down a hall together or something - but it's strange when they happen just like I dreamed they would.

21) Having a baby fall asleep on top of me often keeps me on the computer much longer than I intended. Also, I frequently forget to do the task I got on the computer to do in the first place. (Must stop typing list now and go make a meal plan for the week...)

22) I am one of, if not THE youngest of my Portland friends. It doesn't bother me though. I get to be going "over the grassy knoll" when they're going "over the hill." Many of us are in similar life stages - with young babies - so that is nice, and I look up to all of them so much! It's also a nice balance to feeling like an old lady when I visit Utah. Well, that feeling isn't as strong any more now that I am married with kids, but if you're not married by 23, people start to treat you differently there. I hope that feeling is calming down (I wouldn't know, it's been a while since I've been there) but I didn't enjoy it.

23) I think I have an extra dose of sense of smell. (Super-smeller?) Not just when I'm pregnant, though it's about 10x stronger when I am. I can be very sensitive to smells, which is why I think I do not like smelly lotions or perfumes. They're okay on others, in light doses, but it's always too much if it's on my own body. Sometimes the smell of the inside of my own nose bothers me.

24) My in-laws are awesome.

25) My parents are living in Samoa. I doubt I'll get to visit them there. But we do have plans to get together in 2012.

Please define wasteful spending.

I love how folks in News places are picking the worst excuses for art they can think of, and claiming that Obama wants to fund that garbage with the stimulus package. I wish they would pause and think about two things: the positive influence of arts organizations in their communities, and the fact that a healthy economy stems from creative people. Next, I wish they would look at what the arts funding would really do. Here's the letter to the editor I wrote this morning:

Across the country, not-for-profit Arts organizations stand to lose funding. As the economy worsens, donors tighten their belts. Without generous donations, and government support, these organizations will go under, and people who have dedicated their lives to supporting their communities will lose jobs.

I used to work at such a place. I had the great opportunity to provide a taste of music, theatre, dance or visual arts to children in the poorest schools in New Jersey. Without my work, Emanuel still would never have even seen a guitar, let alone listen to classical music on one, and have the chance to strum one himself. Jennifer never would have had the chance to finally feel like a success at something in school, as she took her final bow in her play.

New job creation requires creative thinking, and this also means supporting arts in our schools and our community. Money for the arts in a stimulus package is not a waste... unlike funding Wall Street executive Superbowl parties.

Week Recap

Mon: We planned on cashing in on the free day at the zoo, but it was pretty clear that Jasper and Peter were fighting a bug so we opted out of spending the day in the freezing cold. I still went to my voice lessons, which were a bit more frustrating for me than usual. I then came home and read more in "The Art of Possibility" and heard the same sorts of things my voice teacher was saying... "it's all a game." This solo singing thing should be fun. I'm working on it...

Tue: Erik skipped his morning classes to watch the inauguration. We had nice family time cuddled on the couch watching the proceedings online - and a little annoyed at how CNN couldn't get over themselves and their Facebook interaction feature. Would have much rather had them talking to people who were there more instead of reading up people's Facebook stats. However, we really enjoyed the inauguration, and jealously wondered how things were going for Kay-Kay (my sister-in-law who had tickets and was there).

Wed: We discovered Kay-Kay survived the Purple tunnel of doom, so our jealousy died down. But only a little.

Thursday: I don't remember this day. I don't believe it really exists.

Friday: Erik took a "field trip" to PSU's engineering fair, instead of attending regular classes. Jasper had the great pleasure of going with him, and truly enjoyed the day of personal attention. Peter and I had a great day at home, too. Peter's first tooth *finally* popped through. While he napped, I worked on some sewing and was happy with what I accomplished.

Peter is pulling himself from laying on the floor to up on his knees much more often, and occasionally pulls himself up to standing position. He managed to get himself high centered on a box I had set up as a barrier to keep him from entering the kitchen where I was sewing. If I hadn't noticed him, he likely would crashed head first on the the kitchen floor. Adventures in mobility abound!

Saturday: I woke up feeling miserable, and decided that Jasper actually HAD been sick and not just snotty and extra fussy, and Peter likely had more than just teething going on... but Erik was angelic enough to let me get extra sleep, and the rest of the day went much better. We even drove across town (snow and all) to join in a game night with friends. Worth it for sure. I sure wish our friends did not live so far from us! I'm so glad Facebook makes it easier to stay in touch.

Today we're hoping the sunshine will melt the snow and hoping the fire will warm us up. We're enjoying our simple life.

If you missed the swearing in, here's what happened... (sort of).

OBAMA SWEARS IN...FAITHFULLY - watch more funny videos

I Love Mr. Fix-It

Holy soldering irons Batman, having a husband who knows how to fix things saves us a lot of money. Bailout Billions. Okay, okay, okay, not that much... but it saves us a lot. He just finished fixing my sewing machine (again) (HURRAY!) and now he's fixing headphones. That's after fixing the tail light on the car.

Because he knows how to fix things, we can drive an old car that gets the kind of gas mileage you would drool for. We often have strangers at fuel stations ask what kind of mileage Goldy gets... you can see the green steam shoot from their ears when we tell them. And when the car acts funny (like emitting a smell from the heater that is on par with skunk for anti-perfume) we don't have to stress over a possibly honest mechanic doing who knows what to our engine.

He doesn't always get everything perfect on his first try, but he doesn't let that keep him from trying.

*Creative Commons use photo by Alistair Craven on flickr.

Batteries

batteries
Originally uploaded by brohammas.

My amazing, lucky sister-in-law, just days after shaking President (elect-at-the-time) Obama's hand in Philadelphia, scored tickets to the inauguration.

BUT - she was one of the people caught in this mess. (For those who don't click to the article, she had a ticket but still didn't get in.)

Kay-Kay is one of those shining amazing people who finds the bright light in every situation. Her account has focused on the friends she made while waiting in the tunnel, and then waiting in line mob. Her friend had a portable TV which she, and several around them, ended up watching the proceedings which were so close, yet so far away.

And here's one of those emergency (but-not-really) situations that prove to me how wonderful people are. In Kay-Kay's words: "The TV died halfway through Barack's speech. But our friends lent a hand. Look how many people were giving Jess batteries. Small glitch-we were back in business in seconds."

Sure it was disappointing and frustrating to not get in. But I'm taking away the lesson: There is good in every situation, and there are friends all around you.

Text of President Barack Obama's inaugural speech

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because we the people have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebears, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost, jobs shed, businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America -- they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk- takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg, Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions, greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. All this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. Those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity, on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our founding fathers ... our found fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all the other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West -- know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow, to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to the suffering outside our borders, nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world … that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive … that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet (it)."

America, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.

Please Advise Me: Kids and Lessons

(Creative Commons use photo by Suzba on flickr.)

There is a Suzuki violin school in Portland that looks high quality, and starts kids off as early as 3. I've always loved seeing tiny little musicians - and dream of my own kids being one of those. I believe all children have musical ability, and if guided and shaped can become excellent musicians early on. However, I have no idea if Jasper would have any interest, and I don't have the budget to sign up for violin lessons in March (when he turns three)... especially if I don't know if he'd be into it or not. (Not to mention buying a violin, bow, case, strings, music, etc.)

So, I've been looking into alternatives. I love the idea of giving lessons or experiences, rather than "stuff" as gifts. The problem is, stuff is a one time cost that can easily be justified.

But, when it comes to making justifications, Erik told me "we're doing all this for them anyway, right?" I think he has a point. I'd rather invest in my kid learning a skill than just ignore it as something that's too expensive.

There are plenty of skill learning opportunities for three-year-olds out there: Sports (T-ball, soccer, swimming), Gymnastics or dance, and I found a Musikgarten studio right nearby in Gresham.

So now I have to weigh options. What would interest Jasper most? What kind of budget do we have for this type of thing? How far am I willing to travel to take him to things? What level of quality will I settle for?

On a related note:
I really like the idea of an artsy playschool coop. Once a month would be music (I could host that), once a month visual art, then movement/dance, then perhaps something educational in another sense or field-trip style activities. I'm hosting a playgroup that I attend maybe once every-other month tomorrow, so I guess I'll start there to see if anyone is interested.

Back on the lessons idea, I have a question for you.

• How did you make the choices for starting your kids with lessons?
• What are pros and cons?
• What advice do you have for me?

Thanks!